Depression is a disease that most people do not understand. It is a subject that many people do not want to deal with. I have heard so many times that it is just “being sad” and “you can snap out of it”, or “just think positive thoughts”. That is not how the disease works. For me, it is about feeling inadequate when I have failed someone in my life or myself. It is the heavy burden that just sticks to you that your life should be so much different, so much more. It is the heaviness of things gone wrong but being so overwhelmed that you cannot push past the sadness and downheartedness you feel. It is feeling as though you’re not good enough for anyone or anything. You even feel that you are not worthy of anything good to happen in your life. It’s as if good things happen to others but never to you because you feel that you do not deserve anything good.
I have had one repetitive thought today, “why not me, how come I am not enough”. I heard this said — “I feel that I am not enough, you need things that I know I cannot provide, so now I know that I am not enough.” A line from a movie that went straight to my very being. I struggle with not being enough. I have always felt compared to my siblings by my parents and was left by two husbands for other women, so I struggle with being good enough. Fighting depression is tough, but placing the burden on anyone else to make you “enough” will always cause failure.
I feel like I am not enough, but do I do my best to treat my spouse like he is enough? I am not out doing things that I should not, but do I tell him he is appreciated enough? Do I thank him when he does even small things for me? Do I appreciate the times he tries to make me laugh when he can tell my mood has me down? It is a double standard to expect him to be all things in my life when really all he should have to be is himself? My depression is my depression. The fact that he tries should be an extra bonus that he loves me enough to try. He should not have to make me “feel” like I am enough, he is just there to love me with my mudpies and my lemonade.
I even went and researched in the Bible for an example of depression. Depression is not mentioned as we see it in society today. In the Bible, you see people who were sad, broken-hearted, and even discouraged; not too different than today. But we can find hope. I do not always see it while I am in the middle of my storm, but I am trying.
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
Maybe this does not make sense to many people who will read it, but to others, you will understand. You know this path as well as I do — one day at a time, moving forward, trying our best to change the outlook on our lives. This is our only way we can overcome. For those who support us with depression, thank you for your willingness to love us through our messes and for standing by our sides.