Last week, we marked another year off the calendar without my Grandfather. I miss him, but what I miss the most is something I did not realize until it was too late to learn from him. I wish I would have spent more time listening to his stories, his wisdom, and just plain guidance. I posted a Bible journal page that I dedicated to my grandfather- words read at his funeral. I read them often and reflect on what they mean or rather should mean in my life.
It is no secret that I struggle with depression. I often find myself lacking self-esteem or self-worth. There have been days when I felt that I was barely hanging on by the last thin shred of the last thin piece of rope that was once a long multi braided cord. I never know when that ugly beast of depression will rear its head, but it does. I could stay there and sit in my self-pity or I can show respect to words that my grandfather left behind for us to use as a guide. “…cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in spiritual zeal but keep your spiritual fervor….be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” This comes from Romans 12 versus 9-13.
It does not solve the desperation I feel at times, or the need for the feeling of normalcy. It does not stop the sadness that plays over and over in my mind that at times is so overwhelming. The one thing that focusing on this scripture does for me, is to put my thoughts on someone other than myself and my problems. It may not always cure the emotional ride; but, over time it does help change my perspective to focus on others and their needs rather than inventing extra ones for myself. Every day I focus on someone other than me, it is one day less I struggle with depression.
To my grandfather, I miss you dearly, I love you daily, and I cannot wait to see you again one day.
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