Looking from the window, I see the world moving by. I see cars going to unknown destinations in seemingly hurried fashion. Jealousy rears it’s ugly head at the ability of so many to haphazardly go daily with few worries. I have spent the better part of my life worried; worried about different things from finances, to jobs, to even what others thought about me. Now, I spend a great deal of time staring out of that window just wondering where I went off course.
I play the blame game in my mind wondering why, just why. Why can I not have? Why am I not making more money? Why do I have to stick to a strict budget? Why do I not get to travel and enjoy more adventures? The blame game makes my depression lower me into depths that, at times, I do not care to come out of. But that thought is not fair. It is not fair to my family or others in my life. So, I put on this fake smile and keep moving.
Today, I spent time looking out that window, again just wondering. Wondering why even with all my prayers, I was not hearing answers to those prayers and pleas. I was reminded in Phillipians, chapter 4 verses 6 and 7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” My depression still haunts me often. Reminding myself that God is listening and answering, in His time not mine. I should still be thankful that I have, have anything at all. If I were given from what I deserve, I would be much worse off. So, I will choose today to be grateful for just being- being me.